That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
