I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
