you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
