Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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