I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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