i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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