Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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