its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
