my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize