Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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