i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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