i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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