To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
