I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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