I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
