when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
