A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
