Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize