They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
