woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
