Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
