i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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