Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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