You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
