oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My bed smells like the plague
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
