I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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