I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
