I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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