So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
