youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i out mim tonsoeep
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