I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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