So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
