She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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