I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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