did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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