I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
