I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
