I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
bring money and cleavage
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
