You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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