sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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