This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
