I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
