Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
