life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
