Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
