I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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