awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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