Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
