Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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