omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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