My nipple is on Facebook.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
