WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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