my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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