So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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