Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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