Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
