well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
