Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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