You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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