I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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