Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
