After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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