my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
