I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
