They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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