I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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