Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize