i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
