ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
