she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
