wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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