after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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