I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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