soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We don't watch enough power rangers
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
